WEBVTT 1 00:00:18.545 --> 00:00:20.725 Hey, it's Rachel, your modern mentor. 2 00:00:21.265 --> 00:00:22.885 I'm the founder of Lead Above Noise, 3 00:00:22.935 --> 00:00:24.885 where we help leaders activate high 4 00:00:24.885 --> 00:00:26.485 performance and dial back burnout. 5 00:00:27.025 --> 00:00:29.965 We run bootcamps, workshops, talks, and offsites. 6 00:00:30.095 --> 00:00:32.525 Reach out anytime. If your team could use a boost. 7 00:00:32.825 --> 00:00:34.805 I'm at rachel@leadabovenoise.com, 8 00:00:35.675 --> 00:00:37.735 and hey, if you've been listening to Modern Mentor 9 00:00:37.875 --> 00:00:40.455 and Sparked a Fresh Thought, helped you lead differently 10 00:00:40.555 --> 00:00:42.255 or made your workday feel a little more 11 00:00:42.255 --> 00:00:43.895 doable, it will be awesome. 12 00:00:44.195 --> 00:00:45.295 If you'd leave a quick rating 13 00:00:45.315 --> 00:00:48.095 or review in your podcast app, it's a great way 14 00:00:48.095 --> 00:00:49.215 to help others find the show. 15 00:00:50.245 --> 00:00:52.855 Okay, so today let's talk about Sandra. 16 00:00:53.715 --> 00:00:55.095 Let you know her too. 17 00:00:55.995 --> 00:00:57.215 No, of course not, 18 00:00:57.635 --> 00:00:58.895 but she's somebody who worked 19 00:00:58.915 --> 00:01:00.815 for me some number of years ago. 20 00:01:01.475 --> 00:01:02.855 She was really good at her job. 21 00:01:03.315 --> 00:01:07.415 She was just, I don't know, ornery like she was always kind 22 00:01:07.415 --> 00:01:09.895 of cranky and I struggled to connect with her. 23 00:01:10.335 --> 00:01:11.895 I mean, we just weren't friends, 24 00:01:12.995 --> 00:01:15.655 and it troubled me until one day, one 25 00:01:15.655 --> 00:01:17.495 of my actual friends reminded me 26 00:01:17.495 --> 00:01:20.175 that not everyone at work has to be my friend. 27 00:01:20.715 --> 00:01:22.255 Having friends at work is great. 28 00:01:22.555 --> 00:01:24.935 We should all strive for it, but we can pick 29 00:01:24.935 --> 00:01:26.375 and choose the relationships we 30 00:01:26.375 --> 00:01:27.575 choose to elevate to that level. 31 00:01:28.545 --> 00:01:30.395 What is important is our ability 32 00:01:30.395 --> 00:01:32.395 to work successfully with everyone at work. 33 00:01:32.665 --> 00:01:34.115 Whether or not we like 34 00:01:34.115 --> 00:01:36.475 or enjoy each other, we need to respect 35 00:01:36.615 --> 00:01:37.755 and collaborate with each other. 36 00:01:38.985 --> 00:01:41.375 Maybe you are struggling these days to do that with someone, 37 00:01:41.955 --> 00:01:44.175 and by the way, so many of us are. 38 00:01:45.145 --> 00:01:48.015 Let's talk about what we can do in these moments, like 39 00:01:48.035 --> 00:01:50.455 how we might gently reset a work relationship 40 00:01:50.455 --> 00:01:51.775 that feels a little rocky, 41 00:01:52.165 --> 00:01:53.855 even if there wasn't a specific 42 00:01:54.215 --> 00:01:55.455 incident, creating the tension. 43 00:01:56.005 --> 00:01:57.855 Sometimes it's personality clash. 44 00:01:57.965 --> 00:01:59.975 Sometimes it's just a misalignment 45 00:02:00.155 --> 00:02:02.575 or a buildup of small things that never got resolved. 46 00:02:02.885 --> 00:02:06.215 Sometimes it's just there either way. 47 00:02:06.315 --> 00:02:09.375 If the energy's off, it's worth pausing it paying attention. 48 00:02:10.515 --> 00:02:12.895 For me, when a dynamic starts to feel strained, 49 00:02:13.255 --> 00:02:15.415 I find the most helpful way to work through it is 50 00:02:15.415 --> 00:02:16.855 to think about it in two phases. 51 00:02:17.385 --> 00:02:19.815 First, reflect and then repair. 52 00:02:20.905 --> 00:02:22.855 Let's talk about what I do when I reflect. 53 00:02:23.995 --> 00:02:25.895 Before you reach out to say anything 54 00:02:26.035 --> 00:02:27.975 or to try to change anything with this person, 55 00:02:28.435 --> 00:02:30.935 you've gotta start by checking in with yourself. 56 00:02:31.725 --> 00:02:35.175 This phase is all about clarity, getting honest, curious, 57 00:02:35.435 --> 00:02:37.695 and figuring out what is really going on 58 00:02:37.955 --> 00:02:39.215 that's underlying the tension 59 00:02:39.215 --> 00:02:40.895 between you and someone else at work. 60 00:02:41.735 --> 00:02:44.035 The first step is to get clear on what's bothering you. 61 00:02:44.505 --> 00:02:47.835 This means taking your feelings like you're hurt, annoyed, 62 00:02:47.905 --> 00:02:51.195 shut down and grounding them in something observable. 63 00:02:51.735 --> 00:02:52.955 If you're feeling dismissed, 64 00:02:53.535 --> 00:02:55.355 ask yourself what's actually happening? 65 00:02:55.665 --> 00:02:58.435 Like, are they interrupting you, ignoring your messages, 66 00:02:58.695 --> 00:03:00.445 giving off a tone that feels sharp? 67 00:03:00.945 --> 00:03:04.125 The goal here is to translate how they make you feel into 68 00:03:04.125 --> 00:03:07.245 what they're actually saying or doing that you can observe. 69 00:03:08.105 --> 00:03:11.005 The more specific you can be, the more you'll be able 70 00:03:11.465 --> 00:03:14.045 to either let it go or to name it clearly. 71 00:03:14.435 --> 00:03:16.285 When it's time to have a conversation, 72 00:03:17.645 --> 00:03:20.245 I feel shut down is hard to respond to, 73 00:03:20.905 --> 00:03:23.645 but if you say something like, when I share an idea 74 00:03:23.785 --> 00:03:26.805 and you don't acknowledge it, I walk away unsure. 75 00:03:26.865 --> 00:03:29.365 If you've heard me, that's something you can talk about. 76 00:03:30.655 --> 00:03:32.875 The next step is to separate story from fact. 77 00:03:33.375 --> 00:03:35.475 Our brains are amazing storytellers, 78 00:03:35.695 --> 00:03:38.595 and sometimes we build whole narratives about somebody 79 00:03:38.615 --> 00:03:40.635 else's motives without realizing it. 80 00:03:41.015 --> 00:03:42.435 We think she's out to get me 81 00:03:42.535 --> 00:03:44.235 or he thinks he's better than everyone, 82 00:03:44.775 --> 00:03:46.915 and it happens quickly, especially when we're 83 00:03:46.915 --> 00:03:48.275 feeling stressed or vulnerable. 84 00:03:48.975 --> 00:03:50.315 So pause and ask yourself, 85 00:03:50.585 --> 00:03:51.755 what is the story I've been 86 00:03:51.755 --> 00:03:52.875 telling myself about this person? 87 00:03:53.575 --> 00:03:56.355 And then what could be another explanation 88 00:03:56.625 --> 00:03:57.675 that could also be true? 89 00:03:58.245 --> 00:03:59.395 Maybe they're overwhelmed 90 00:03:59.655 --> 00:04:01.635 or they're under a pressure that you can't see. 91 00:04:02.085 --> 00:04:04.715 Maybe they're just wired differently, they're quieter, 92 00:04:04.715 --> 00:04:07.035 they're more task focused and less expressive. 93 00:04:07.745 --> 00:04:09.395 When we assume positive intent, 94 00:04:09.655 --> 00:04:11.435 it doesn't mean we're excusing everything. 95 00:04:12.015 --> 00:04:14.315 It just means creating a little bit of breathing room 96 00:04:14.315 --> 00:04:16.795 between your experience and your assumptions 97 00:04:17.295 --> 00:04:20.155 and that breathing room, it can make the next step easier, 98 00:04:21.605 --> 00:04:24.225 and that is step three, own your part. 99 00:04:24.975 --> 00:04:26.865 This isn't about taking all of the blame, 100 00:04:27.205 --> 00:04:29.385 but it's about asking, how might I 101 00:04:29.385 --> 00:04:30.665 be contributing to this dynamic? 102 00:04:30.935 --> 00:04:34.185 Intentionally or not, maybe you've been holding back 103 00:04:34.285 --> 00:04:36.185 or avoiding direct feedback. 104 00:04:36.435 --> 00:04:38.065 Maybe you've been short or distant 105 00:04:38.065 --> 00:04:40.065 because you assumed they didn't want to engage. 106 00:04:40.815 --> 00:04:43.905 Even if your piece is small, owning it is powerful. 107 00:04:44.565 --> 00:04:47.105 It shifts you from being a passive observer of the tension 108 00:04:47.525 --> 00:04:50.065 to someone who has agency to influence the dynamic, 109 00:04:50.805 --> 00:04:53.385 and it builds massive credibility if 110 00:04:53.385 --> 00:04:55.065 and when you open a conversation later. 111 00:04:59.315 --> 00:05:01.645 Step four is to get clear on what you want. 112 00:05:01.645 --> 00:05:04.445 Instead, don't go into a conversation hoping 113 00:05:04.505 --> 00:05:06.445 for total harmony or deep connection. 114 00:05:06.705 --> 00:05:08.085 That's a really high bar. 115 00:05:08.835 --> 00:05:12.325 What we want is a working relationship that feels functional 116 00:05:12.465 --> 00:05:14.765 and respectful and maybe a little bit easier. 117 00:05:15.505 --> 00:05:18.165 So ask yourself, what would better look like here? 118 00:05:18.755 --> 00:05:20.565 Like maybe it's smoother handoffs 119 00:05:20.665 --> 00:05:24.405 or more acknowledgement in meetings, fewer misunderstandings 120 00:05:24.405 --> 00:05:26.365 around deadlines, and just as important, 121 00:05:26.675 --> 00:05:29.365 what would you be willing to do to help make that happen? 122 00:05:30.115 --> 00:05:33.045 Clarity here is key because once you know what you want 123 00:05:33.045 --> 00:05:34.765 and what you're offering, you're ready 124 00:05:34.765 --> 00:05:37.445 to move into the next phase, which is repair. 125 00:05:38.435 --> 00:05:40.005 Hopefully now you feel ready 126 00:05:40.025 --> 00:05:41.565 to reach out and have a conversation. 127 00:05:42.115 --> 00:05:45.005 It's not about confrontation, it's about co-creation. 128 00:05:45.665 --> 00:05:49.245 So start with step one, reach out with curiosity and care. 129 00:05:49.875 --> 00:05:53.525 This isn't, hey, we need to talk, but this is an open door. 130 00:05:54.245 --> 00:05:57.005 I like to start off gently, something like, Hey, 131 00:05:57.315 --> 00:05:59.165 I've been thinking about how we're working together, 132 00:05:59.225 --> 00:06:00.365 and I'd love to talk about 133 00:06:00.585 --> 00:06:03.245 how we might make it feel just a little smoother if you're 134 00:06:03.245 --> 00:06:05.685 open to it, it's simple and it's direct, 135 00:06:05.985 --> 00:06:07.125 and it signals respect 136 00:06:07.225 --> 00:06:08.765 and a willingness to engage without 137 00:06:08.765 --> 00:06:10.205 putting somebody on the defensive. 138 00:06:10.955 --> 00:06:14.805 Step two is share what you've noticed, but not who they are. 139 00:06:16.445 --> 00:06:18.765 Remember that specificity from your reflection phase. 140 00:06:19.395 --> 00:06:21.085 This is where it comes into play. 141 00:06:21.865 --> 00:06:24.405 Rather than saying, Hey, you're dismissive, 142 00:06:25.025 --> 00:06:27.685 try something like, you know, there've been a few meetings 143 00:06:27.685 --> 00:06:30.685 where I've shared an idea and you just haven't responded, 144 00:06:30.985 --> 00:06:34.205 and it's left me feeling, I don't know, uncertain, 145 00:06:34.825 --> 00:06:36.325 and I'm guessing it's not your intent, 146 00:06:36.545 --> 00:06:38.085 but in those moments, I tend 147 00:06:38.085 --> 00:06:40.445 to walk away wondering if I just missed the mark. 148 00:06:41.145 --> 00:06:43.445 You're naming the moment, you're not assigning motive, 149 00:06:44.105 --> 00:06:46.045 and that keeps the conversation in a space 150 00:06:46.055 --> 00:06:47.405 where change is possible. 151 00:06:48.435 --> 00:06:49.645 Then we come to step three, 152 00:06:50.075 --> 00:06:51.885 make an offer and ask for theirs. 153 00:06:52.385 --> 00:06:54.325 You're not just here to air a grievance, 154 00:06:54.625 --> 00:06:56.205 but you're here to build something better, 155 00:06:56.345 --> 00:06:59.685 so bring a suggestion, offer to change something yourself. 156 00:07:00.535 --> 00:07:03.365 Maybe, Hey, would you be up for a quick check-in ahead 157 00:07:03.365 --> 00:07:06.365 of the next presentation so you and I can align in advance? 158 00:07:06.885 --> 00:07:09.525 I wonder if that might set us up to feel more shoulder 159 00:07:09.545 --> 00:07:10.645 to shoulder during the meeting, 160 00:07:11.185 --> 00:07:12.525 and if you're open, I'm happy 161 00:07:12.525 --> 00:07:13.965 to take the lead on scheduling it 162 00:07:14.625 --> 00:07:17.445 and then ask, is there anything I could do differently 163 00:07:17.445 --> 00:07:19.165 that would make working together easier 164 00:07:19.355 --> 00:07:20.405 from your perspective? 165 00:07:21.325 --> 00:07:22.775 That question changes the game. 166 00:07:23.195 --> 00:07:26.255 It shifts the conversation from correction to collaboration. 167 00:07:27.265 --> 00:07:29.165 And finally, step four, listen 168 00:07:29.195 --> 00:07:31.285 with openness, not defensiveness. 169 00:07:32.185 --> 00:07:34.965 If you've invited input, like you've really invited it, 170 00:07:35.235 --> 00:07:36.925 just make sure you're ready to receive it. 171 00:07:37.505 --> 00:07:40.365 You might hear something surprising, even something hard, 172 00:07:41.105 --> 00:07:44.045 but if you can stay present and resist the urge to explain 173 00:07:44.065 --> 00:07:48.085 or justify, you might also hear something useful, something 174 00:07:48.085 --> 00:07:50.765 that helps you understand why things went off in the first 175 00:07:50.765 --> 00:07:52.725 place and how to make them better. 176 00:07:53.475 --> 00:07:55.125 This part can be uncomfortable, 177 00:07:55.225 --> 00:07:57.125 but it is also where change happens 178 00:07:57.595 --> 00:08:00.485 because when someone feels heard, they tend to soften, 179 00:08:00.905 --> 00:08:02.885 and when you both feel heard, this is 180 00:08:02.885 --> 00:08:04.205 where repair can really begin. 181 00:08:05.345 --> 00:08:07.285 In my experience all those years ago with Sandra, 182 00:08:08.245 --> 00:08:10.205 I learned a lot from taking this approach with her. 183 00:08:10.625 --> 00:08:13.205 It turns out she was really overwhelmed with a few things, 184 00:08:13.705 --> 00:08:16.325 and that was largely driving her brus manner with me. 185 00:08:16.945 --> 00:08:19.525 So we found her some resources to help manage her workload, 186 00:08:19.785 --> 00:08:21.045 and we found our way to better. 187 00:08:21.915 --> 00:08:25.045 Also, we never became friends, but that was totally okay. 188 00:08:26.505 --> 00:08:29.405 If your team is navigating relationship hiccups 189 00:08:29.425 --> 00:08:31.405 or you wanna build a culture where clear 190 00:08:31.925 --> 00:08:34.325 communication is the norm, I'd love to support you. 191 00:08:34.575 --> 00:08:37.765 Reach out anytime at rachel@leadabovenoise.com 192 00:08:38.185 --> 00:08:40.845 or visit my website@leadabovenoise.com. 193 00:08:41.425 --> 00:08:44.325 Thanks so much for listening and have a successful week. 194 00:08:44.785 --> 00:08:47.165 Modern Mentor is a quick and Dirty Tips podcast. 195 00:08:47.795 --> 00:08:49.605 It's audio engineered by Dan Fand. 196 00:08:50.025 --> 00:08:52.285 Our director of podcasts is Brandon Getches. 197 00:08:52.505 --> 00:08:54.845 Our podcast and advertising operations specialist 198 00:08:54.845 --> 00:08:56.190 is Morgan Christensen. 199 00:08:56.545 --> 00:08:59.045 Our digital operation specialist is Holly Hutchings. 200 00:08:59.265 --> 00:09:01.885 Our marketing and publicity associate is Dina Tomlin, 201 00:09:01.985 --> 00:09:04.125 and our marketing contractor is Nathaniel Hoops.